I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
