oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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