Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
