The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
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