you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
