doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
