:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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