I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
