i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
