I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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