It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
