I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i drank out of a bidet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
