Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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