1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I love having hate sex.
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The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
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Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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