i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
