i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
