pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
