Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
