I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
