proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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