4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
