not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
God, I missed his penis.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
