Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
