i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
