Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wear drunk well.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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