I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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