So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
