can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
