I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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