Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
