woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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