yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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