Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
