I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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