i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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