he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
