just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize