Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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