My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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