I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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