I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
