I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
