I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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