the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
