My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
