i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
birth control should be required to get into college
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
