I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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