My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
