oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
