how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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