I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
