I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
