i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
