I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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